Have you ever read the Book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie? If you haven’t, I STRONGLY recommend that you do. Not because it will make you a better cop (though of course it will), but because it will make you a better human being.
Despite having read this book a few times and considering myself a pretty good communicator, I’m going to relay a story about how to NOT win friends or influence people.. Especially with your dispatcher. Continue reading “How NOT to Make Friends and Influence Dispatch “
In part 1 of the Midget Ninja stripper tale, I described the amazing domestic disturbance between 6’3″ Cameron and “Desarae,” his unusually violent, diminutive, stripper girlfriend. My rider and I were greatly amused by the unusual situation and the mishmash of stereotypes. Usually the tale would end there and these two amazing individuals would be relegated to a funny story and a report sent to the Prosecutor’s office for charges. The “fire and forget” report was not to happening that night however. Desarae was not done with her short, but powerful reign of terror! Continue reading “Midget Ninja Strippers & Improvised Weapons (Part 2)”
Working patrol almost guarantees an officer will eventually become jaded. Calls that amuse, annoy or amaze you as a new officer simply become “Tuesday” after a few years on the job. The bar gets higher and higher before it becomes something that stands out in your mind. One of the quickest ways to realize this is to have a Ride along with you during your shift. Riders are like having children. Sometimes Riders can remind you just how amazing and hilarious the job is when seen from an outside perspective. One of my riders learned two very valuable lessons during one of these forays… Continue reading “Midget Ninja Strippers & Improvised Weapons (Part 1)”
This is a post, I intended to write before Christmas. After visiting family, eating my bodyweight in holiday pie and slipping in and out of a tryptophan induced coma, it has been somewhat delayed. You know what they say…better late than never!
The Christmas holiday season is a time of giving thanks and spending time with your family. It means meeting with family you only see once or twice a year and enjoying a turkey drumstick, stockings full of goodies and the magical twinkle of Christmas tree lights…and maybe using the serving fork to stab your boyfriend during a Christmas domestic! Continue reading “Christmas on Patrol: Carving turkey and stabbing boyfriends”
Have you ever seen a cop performing a pat search of a suspect and heard them asking crazy or stupid questions about whether the person being searched has any rocket propelled grenades, nuclear submarines or kilos of crack cocaine? The term for it is a mouthful…the Transderivational search. The point is to basically dazzle the subject with your babbling bullshit, so they are too busy thinking about what you are saying and are NOT thinking about punching you in your favorite face. This is the story of one such time… Continue reading “Naked guy and the Transderivational, say what??”
***Warning! This story contains graphic descriptions of a death investigation that most people will find disgusting and unsettling. It is meant to be since it makes a point. Don’t say I didn’t warn you if you continue to read! ***
Law enforcement holds a unique position among the social hierarchy in group settings and guarantees you are never really off duty. Being a cop is one of the few careers where you are usually introduced by your job. “Hi this is my friend Jaden…He’s a COP.” This last part is usually said in a conspiratorial whisper followed by some lame joke that you have heard at least 500 times. Doctor’s and Astronauts also get this sort of treatment, though usually without the, “I didn’t do it!” remarks. Firemen would also be introduced by occupation, but it never comes to that. You can always spot a fireman by the requisite Fire dept. t-shirt. They’re also the ones who walk into a room and spread their arms out wide and turn slowly so all can see their grandeur while informing the room, “I’m a firefighter!” Continue reading “How to clear out a party faster than a can of Pepper Spray!”
Earlier today I received an email from a woman with a hilariously candid story to tell. She detailed how she mistakenly thought a police officer who responded to a loud party complaint at her neighbor’s house was in fact a stripper. She was VERY excited about said stripper and was understandably embarrassed when she learned her mistake. Fear not Mam, this is actually MUCH more common than you think! We don’t always get mistaken for strippers, but we do get comments and catcalls that can range from flattering to downright terrifying. Here is the story of the time I was once insisted I would only strip for $20’s! Continue reading “I only strip for $20’s…Hilarious moments dealing with the public”
Every once in awhile in law enforcement you come across a call that sticks with you. Usually its something tragic. Often it’s hilarious. This one starts in a land far far away with, “No shit…there I was…trapped in the forest with 10 drunken sorority girls…” Continue reading “There I was…lost in the forest with 10 drunken sorority girls”
My first few posts were fairly professional and dry. And it pained me deeply. I have decided not to try to pander to any particular audience and just do what I enjoy doing. Babbling about law enforcement, corrections, martial arts and things I find useful, such as my favorite law enforcement products. With that being said, lets talk about something near and dear to my heart…the word fuck.
Fuck is a very versatile word. It’s a noun, pronoun, adverb and verb. If you are having a conversation and can’t figure out how to throw in an f-bomb, you aren’t being creative enough. The f-bomb and all it’s amazing varieties is also a very effective Use of Force. Continue reading “What did that cop say to me??”